April 2011
1 post
Words.
Cascading in trembling thought.
Choked-up upon the memories,
merging ideas,
living nightmares.
Nerves are edged and frayed.
Tears clog my eyes.
Shakes have shakes,
and tension is pull razor sharp.
Gag for release.
Gasp for release.
Gurgle, hiss, moan, weep.
Release.
Of words.
February 2011
1 post
My head is full of thoughts
full of feelings
full of words
full of meanings
full to choking on everything
that I cannot begin to express
it’s a sadness cornered in my eyes
the weak beat of my heart
the anxious run of blood through my veins
say my name
say my name
pet me, comfort me
turn off these thoughts
turn off this brain
if not, I fear
I’ll drive myself insane
January 2011
1 post
Want.
My slithery friend.
Living inside of me.
Unsatisfied and hungry.
Yearning and in need.
Of caressing.
Of kissing.
Of suckling and kneading.
Of pressure and quick breath.
Mouth dry.
Lips wet.
I cannot contain these urges you bring me.
I want.
July 2010
1 post
A memory.
I had never been one for God, thought often in childhood I was brought to his house. I recall one summer, stuck daily in a christian day camp. Projects and songs and stories and lessons about God all faint recollections…
What I remember most is the blackberry bush.
Heavy with ripe berries we were warned not to eat.
Like Adam and Eve, we listened.
With nimble child fingers we stuffed...
April 2010
1 post
Be rough with me
It’s not sexual
It’s not violent
But the electricity was there
Thrumming through the palms of his hands
And into the flesh of my neck
It wasn’t threatening
I could still breathe
It was a moment of a joke
And we were surrounded by a crowd
But I went to my own little place
And I wanted it
These little power games
That we played with flesh and mind
And no one ever got...
February 2010
1 post
It took me a long time to let go of the idea of getting you back (one way or another). It took me more time to just be okay with how things went between us.
I can look inside myself now and know that I don’t love you. I don’t know if that means I never did love you, or if my idea of love has greatly matured with time and through finding someone I can truly share my heart… my...
January 2010
1 post
good question
her: i am an indecisive woman. what can i say.
him: hmm. indecisive. ok. i wont hold my breath on waiting for you then?
her: not that kind of indecisive.
him: sure?
her: very.
him: really?
her: yes. really. believe me?
him: maybe.
her: dork.
him: geek..
her: yes?
him: ha. well. i could be cruel.
her: ohreally.
him: mhmm.
her: .. go ahead.
him: hmm. well. if your so sure, please explain who's sleeping next to you at night.
December 2009
3 posts
please.
stop making me fall in love with you.
what the fuck. what am i supposed to do? my chest hurts. i’m lost.
how do you decide between something that is yours and something that should be yours?
November 2009
1 post
My heart screams. A lack of creativity. The brainstorm is a storm inside my head. Outside it lingers and quickly is dead. I wish I could write the words to move your mind and heart. Unfortunately as it is… I just don’t know how to start.
October 2009
4 posts
i worry about everything. i worry that i’m not going to become anything. i worry that i’m running out of time. i worry that i don’t participate enough, that my friends don’t really like me, that i’m too crazy, that i’m not crazy enough, that i’m too fat, that i’ll never change, that everything will change, that i’ll never get a job i love, that...
The words have lost me.
Or I have lost the words.
Things of meaning that so easily would come to me,
at a time when everything was so much bigger than it was.
Mature now.
Happy now.
But lingering on a memory…
Of movement, spiritual movement…
a transcendent experience…
that had little to do with gods
and everything to do with being human and alive.
Connected.
To...
crash boom bang mother fucker. i’m sick of the struggle, of the fight, of the anger. you want to argue, bring it on but it is not the way we make this better. i need you, i need you to stay, i need you to stay the fuck away. how about that? another bourbon, another tequila, another nameless bed warmer. you want a problem? i got a problem. i got your problem right here. look at this...
I keep you locked away in a box
a vessel for the dead
so that you cannot escape
and invade my life.
But lately you’ve been slipping
through the cracks,
or ‘round the hinges,
or past the keyhole,
and taking over my thoughts.
You push your way out,
and push your way in,
Just like you always do,
just like you always did.
I check that box all the time
to make sure you are still...
September 2009
7 posts
today, i reinvent myself. tomorrow, who knows.
Smut and Cherries
It’s a hot summer day and the air tastes of fire and nectar. I’m somebody’s mirage as soon as I hit the blacktop, disjointed and out-of-focus. A human heat-haze.
I staggered the other day, feeling as hot and dazzled and hungry as a flame, into the air-conditioned bright-lit supermarket and felt the gloriously AC’ed air bustle around me like some coolly efficient, utterly...
my entire body aches. from my toenails to the tips of my hair. i don’t know how much longer i can do this.
A note from the drowning...
I feel like sinking. Drowning in the words I am choking on in that back of my throat. My tear ducts scream threats to let lose, burning behind lids when closed tight. My accusations are pointless, for we are strangers and you owe me nothing. It isn’t your fault… you didn’t know… I eagerly gave a part of myself to you and you let it die. Let it down. I’m just trying to...
My life just wasn’t working
everything was bad
it might have been the booze
or the stuff that kept me sad
all I knew that moment
was the trigger and the gun
just one bullet neatly placed
and I’d leave this “House O’Fun”
the silence was unending
the moment went too fast
when I pulled the trigger
my pain would end at last
the noise cut through the silence
...
As one instead of two
These words, they ache, a burning in the back of my throat, yearning to be thrown, to be screamed at, to be torn apart (if you can take the bleeding, because I can’t); so what do you say? Is this the end or just another beginning of bad endings and moral dilemmas and decrepit dreams (I’m sorry, it’s just not me to keep my emotions bottled up inside); I crash and I burn and I whither and then I...
“It’s braille,” he said, fingertips on my raised nipple. “It says yes.”
“Read it all” I said, pressing my breasts together.
He drew his finger over each peak. “Yes. Yes.”
(kissedbysadness)
August 2009
14 posts
fuck it. fuck it all. i don’t know how to make anything anymore. it kills me inside, but i don’t. i can’t create anything. i can’t journal, i can’t write, i can’t paint, i can’t make. at all. it makes me crazy. i don’t know what to do about it. fuck it. i think i’ll just implode or something. how to fix how to fix. sticky tape will not cut it...
Two Figures in the Shadow of the Cyclone
Nita Padavil - kajalnoire.tumblr.com
When travelling, whether its by car watching the trees sprint by or by train, sitting in worn in leather seats, I can’t help but think of two blips on a screen. Two flashing dots moving closer and closer to the same final destination, something that is so much more complex than the red blue green pixels but a microcosm of the world: Coney Island....
this weight crushes me. i’m not made to hold all this. i am constructed to be sturdy, to support my partner and take us on adventure and exploration, not to trudge through this dreary nine to five five to nine pay the bills drink drink drink don’t yell do the dishes what the fuck is that bullshit it isn’t me that’s for sure i just don’t know how to get free.
today i just sat. not moving at all, just still. nothingness. quiet.
new challenges are headed my way, i can feel fluttering lightly.
sitting, waiting, still. worlds just around the corner, waiting patiently.
4 tags
The Shadow
kajalnoire.tumblr.com He came from Sudan. His long neck and ebony skin spoke of noble blood. The glow had grown lack luster, the result of a movie, a transplant from a tropical wasteland to an industrial one.
He would sprint across the campus from time to time, longing to feel that stretch in his tendons, that burn, running towards an eternally unattainable horizon. He keeps running though he...
“are you ready?” i breathe in to her ear, letting the last exhale of the word linger. i feel her body quake just millimeters from me. she wants this, we’ve been waiting a long time. she nods. “good. come with me” holding her hand, i lead her to the bedroom and perch myself on the edge of the bed “undress for me, i want to see you” she has this smile that...
“you’re a mess”
i don’t answer him. he isn’t looking for an answer. not yet circling me he says “stand up straight for fucks sake. you look like a petulant child.”
yes sir. even though i know you like it that way. like me to fight a little, pout a little, be difficult. maybe i don’t want to fight today.
coming to a stop in front of me he runs his...
3 tags
“…starved to the existentially puzzling size 0.”
Nita Padavil What is it about that svelte figure, sheathed in ivory silk that flicks the switch of lights in our minds, rather than the rotund, expansive figure in peach cotton? Angular and somewhat gaunt, Ms. Ivory isn’t very comforting but still we’re drawn to her. The beauty in the elegant, extending collar bone, in the graceful pattern of vertebrae of a delicately curved spine. Given that,...
i crawl all through myself; tumbling turning trying to get trying trying why is it always so far away. these things that hold on to me are here unwanted. i feel it sting burn twist through my brain, grabbing on a little tighter each time they surface.
waves of nausea collide within me. once again, my foolishness surrounds me. my naivety slaps me in the face with reality. i bury myself in lies to feel whole again.
closed eyes fast hands
young old young old young old what’s the fucking difference we’re all lost all trying to find our way a woman of sixty four is as confused about her future as i am and we’re all just trying trying trying. muddle muddle muddle together we fall through these things as they happen when they happen becuase there’s no other way. we have our arms to support us our mind to carry...
my fingers speak to the words of the small of your back, i find this to be my favorite type of discussion. punctuated with kisses on my collarbone. legs, bodies positioning into an ellipses of things better off unspoken. resulting in question marked eyes turning into exclamation marks of surprise and exhaustion at the same time, ending this hour long run-on sentence with the most comfortable...
i am cold.
i can see my breath.
it distracts me from my impending death.
the moon bleeds through the sky’s grey skin.
my blue veins bleed bright red.
my blood stains taint the white sheets.
your reality crushes me.
please, just let me breathe.
July 2009
42 posts
Scarlet tears and broken faith, a poisoned heart she holds. Somewhere near hell, a body with no soul and soundless breath drifts. A garden with dying roses and faded lily petals, gloomy skies and broken swings, along with the song of the haunting wind.
and she’s fading, fading away.
~kissedbysadness
i feel separate. from my body, from my thoughts, from the people around me. i have moments of togetherness, of being a part of it, but for the most part i feel disassociated from everything. i’m not sure what to do about that or even if i want to do anything about it. it stops me from experiencing things to the full and while i’m sure those closest to me recognize it… no one...
I am a whisper, a cold glance when you turn your back;
And it is so hard not to crawl into old ways, an old addiction—
The pages were written, ink scrawled & memories sprawled like leftover ideas; I wrote the chapters, over & over, night after night, my head in a spin, verbiage surfacing only at the highest of heights.
There is something about the way you opened me, up & up &...
there is a risk everytime you open your eyes or your inbox. check your voicemail just to feel like someone called. but how many empty messages do you have to hear before you realize no one is calling.
he isn’t calling.
~kissedbysadness
I am the vibration of the sea
in song thrumming across earth and rock
I am the haunting in human eyes
the pain that criss-crosses like joy
in choral voices moving toward the sky.
You are the intrigue in the puzzle
the missing piece to set the picture whole
You are the frustration in emotion
the digging deeper to find what love believes
when it is awake and resolute in its vocation.
I...
He was just a boy.
He couldn’t tell her what she needed.
He had no idea what she wanted.
He spoke too loudly,
touched her too often
and not often enough.
He smoked too much
and smelled like an ash tray.
He ate too quickly
and drank like a fish.
He was just a boy.
A boy she thought she could never let go of.
She was just a girl.
She couldn’t tell him what she needed.
She...
This is a good day, the day the gods hath given.
This is a good day for kissing the dog behind his ears and eating tortellini. This is a good day for worshiping the sun. This is a good day for lying in the grass and not caring about the insects on my skin. This is a good day for counting shades of blue.
This is a good day.
(whileyoucan)
wake up,
put on my makeup,
paint on the smile,
choke back the tears,
and go on pretending
that i do not miss
the only real constant
my life has ever countenanced:
you….
the reality of you leaving is sinking in;
~kissedbysadness
i wear scar(ve)s like its a fashion statement.
my heart has bled the blues.
i sang iloveyou until i forgot the words.
i am a christmas carole..you only think of once a year.
i want you in my veins because without you my heart is stalling…not beating
~kissedbysadness
when you tangle your hand in my hair and drag my face close to yours, i lose myself a little more.
When I’m stressed and depressed and my head is aching, I do not want my mother. She did not choose me. I need the love and caress of the woman who has chosen my body and my soul.
(whileyoucan)
Upon waking I find myself lingering in an old pain… what hurt more than being apart from you… was knowing you wanted it as much as I did and still wouldn’t give in.
Was the idea of love that terrifying?
I scribble dreams on sheets; fold them, carefully, around me. It isn’t that they’re fragile. I just want to wear them all, smudge them and wake covered in their ink.
~kissedbysadness
It’s been raining off and on most of the day. I watched it from my window until I could feel myself getting hypnotised by it. When you’re young you look forward to rainy days for splashing in puddles and getting all wet but somewhere along the way you stop doing that. You grow up. All that rain was falling down and I was inside being sensible, it made me sad so I went out onto the balcony and...