Words.
Cascading in trembling thought.
Choked-up upon the memories,
merging ideas,
living nightmares.
Nerves are edged and frayed.
Tears clog my eyes.
Shakes have shakes,
and tension is pull razor sharp.
Gag for release.
Gasp for release.
Gurgle, hiss, moan, weep.
Release.
Of words.
My head is full of thoughts
full of feelings
full of words
full of meanings
full to choking on everything
that I cannot begin to express
it’s a sadness cornered in my eyes
the weak beat of my heart
the anxious run of blood through my veins
say my name
say my name
pet me, comfort me
turn off these thoughts
turn off this brain
if not, I fear
I’ll drive myself insane
Want. My slithery friend. Living inside of me. Unsatisfied and hungry. Yearning and in need. Of caressing. Of kissing. Of suckling and kneading. Of pressure and quick breath. Mouth dry. Lips wet. I cannot contain these urges you bring me. I want.
A memory.
I had never been one for God, thought often in childhood I was brought to his house. I recall one summer, stuck daily in a christian day camp. Projects and songs and stories and lessons about God all faint recollections…
What I remember most is the blackberry bush.
Heavy with ripe berries we were warned not to eat.
Like Adam and Eve, we listened.
With nimble child fingers we stuffed our little mouths full enjoying the taste of the fruit as quickly as we could without getting caught.
I still feel satisfyingly wicked when I eat them.
Be rough with me
It’s not sexual
It’s not violent
But the electricity was there
Thrumming through the palms of his hands
And into the flesh of my neck
It wasn’t threatening
I could still breathe
It was a moment of a joke
And we were surrounded by a crowd
But I went to my own little place
And I wanted it
These little power games
That we played with flesh and mind
And no one ever got to win.
It took me a long time to let go of the idea of getting you back (one way or another). It took me more time to just be okay with how things went between us.
I can look inside myself now and know that I don’t love you. I don’t know if that means I never did love you, or if my idea of love has greatly matured with time and through finding someone I can truly share my heart… my life with.
I would be okay with being your acquaintance. Perhaps even your friend. Though, I’m torn. Part of me, still cheering for that girl that gave up so much time and energy on you, wants to you regret not being the one in my life. It would make us even, wouldn’t it? I spent so much time waiting while you lived your life? Now you can wait forever knowing there will never be a chance again for whatever we were going to be. The other part of me knows that if you do still harbor feelings for me, I couldn’t be your friend. Your thoughts as well as your hands could never stay idle for long. So which would I rather? Finding out I wasn’t as big a role in your life and you were in mine, be friends and gain another person I can communicate with. Or to find out you still want me and having to cut you completely out again.
I think we’re going to be friends. I don’t think you really loved me that much after all.
good question
please.
stop making me fall in love with you.
what the fuck. what am i supposed to do? my chest hurts. i’m lost.
how do you decide between something that is yours and something that should be yours?
